Happy White Wine Wednesday

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Losersssssss

Every season I tell myself I won't watch it. It's like watching Titanic. You know what happens. The boat sinks. With The Biggest Loser, they eat nothing, workout all day and at the end they're all thin and somebody wins a bunch of money. But, inevitably I catch an episode mid-season and I'm sucked back in. After 8 seasons of The Biggest Loser, I've decided: 

1. Big folks ain't afraid of tears. Hell, they love emotion. Legit, bring on the psychotherapyworkoutgymisodes.
2. Don't bother remembering anyone's name. Just get them a colored shirt.
3. Doctors know everything. EVERYTHING. Do not question them. Or you will die.
4. When a gay man swears, he is mad.
5. I don't like cheeseburgers. They're terrible. Dog shit. I just eat them because I'm self destructive. Who knew.
6. There is a test that can tell you your biological age based on weight, illness and risk factors. I'd like to see an episode where the doc tells someone who's 25 that their biological age is 136. Cause they'd believe him. (See number 3.)
7. When a trainer calls you their bitch, prepare for the worst.
8. My bathroom scale isn't big enough.
9. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than a last chance workout.
10. It is possible to survive on celery, water, carrots and lettuce.

I'm gonna go make a milkshake and eat a brownie. You fatties have a great night.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Does he want a date or a street fight?

If a guy left me this message, he'd catch a first-class junk punch.

This is probably the dude who kidnaps women and hides them in his back yard.


Sincerely,
 
Sally B.
 
 
 

Dirty Dancing - Final Dance Scene @ Yahoo! Video

Sincerely,

Sally B.

South of the Border

To the nation of Mexico on the quality of your workers,

Here's the thing. I respect that your people love to cross the border just as they're giving birth to illegitimate children. Welcome to America. However, I do not appreciate it when I am blatantly ignored at the request of a water refill. Also, it is not entirely strange to order fries in a Mexican restaurant. I happen to have a sensitive gastrointestinal system that does not respond well to enchiladas or beans. I do find it strange that the 17 catsup packages you gave me were coated in a honey-like substance.

In addition, I'd appreciate it if you could check my identifcation card more often. Not because I enjoy the rush of youth (I do) but because I'd prefer to not be served another virgin margarita. It's not really beneficial to my evening.

Thanksabunchyouassholes.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

P.S. To the beautiful man I took a picture of with my Blackberry from across the bar: Sorry I referenced your girlfriend as a Nikki Hilton look-alike plus 30 lbs.

P.P.S. I apologize for my young blonde friend, she is excessively angry over the theft of her jeans and use of her loofa by a roommate.

Phone calls with "the baby" sister.

Me: I started a blog.
The baby: You're a douche bag.
Me: Shut up. Just go to the site.
The baby: No, you're a fag.
Me: How old are you gonna be when you stop saying "douche bag" and "fag"?
The baby: Not 21.
Me: I hate you.


God love her. She keeps me young. And spiteful.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

My girl Zoila got that swagga.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Emails from Dad

"Did see a funny site yesterday while at the dam fishing... looked up, and driving across the dam in *neighborhood*, I see a gaudy van (black and yellow) with STOPSNORING.com all over it... obviously not a resident here, and funny looking coming in here... nothing subtle about it. And where in the heck did it come from? A STOPSNORING franchise in *town* will not make it. I mean they came a long way. Must be a snoring crisis here. H1Snore1."

It's hysterical that we share genetic material.

Sincerely, 

Sally B. 

Sick joke.

I got an allergy test this week. FML.

Nurse: Well, it looks like you've got a few responses here.
Me: So, does that mean he [meaning the doc] will give me something to take?
Nurse: We have a lot of patients who decide to take allergy shots for convenience.
Me: I'm not afraid of needles. My baby sister passes out at the sight of them. Not me. Great veins. Check that out. [Showing her my arm.]
Nurse: We can set them up for you, if you'd like to commit to taking them once a week for 3-5 years. That's about how long it takes to get used to the bits of the allergens we place in the shot.
Me: 3-5 YEARS?!?! You said convenient! [It was about here that I went into panic attack mode.] I'm not one of those people with a 5 year plan for anything. I mean, I should probably sit down and write out some long term goals for myself, you know? I'd love to see Italy. I've always hoped I could get in with a publishing house. Be a book editor. I'd probably have to move to Chicago or New York, but I can take it. I like winter. Maybe date a food critic... cause they know the best restaurants.
Nurse: Well, some of the molds you're allergic to can be found in food and beverages... beer, wine, a lot of cheeses, condiments...
Me: Beer?!?! Wine?!?! CHEESE?!?! This is a sick joke... I might die. At the very least I might cry.
Nurse: [awkward chuckles] The good news is that these allergies won't kill you.
Me: That's what you think... You're a pretty good listener, actually.
Nurse: Thanks. Let me get you some information on our mold headache diet....

Some effing Wednesday!

I just had fries for lunch. NOT on the diet.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

I totally missed my calling in musical theater. There are literally no words for how excited I am about this show. Just watching this extended trailer makes my heart sing. I couldn't even sit still to watch the first full minute. There was dancing, singing and low-grade arm flailing in my living room around 43 seconds in. Just when you thought HSM was gonna do it for me. So WRONG. And, yes, I watched this video more than twice.

P.S. Watch the whole thing ... damnit, I said THE WHOLE THING!

 
Sincerely,

Sally B.

Favorites

Growing up, mom got a real kick out of telling each of us that we were the favorite child. In front of the other two. (Her way of getting back at us for 3 C-sections.) Violence ensued, followed by fake tears, whining and incessant bragging. LOTS of bragging. Rub-your-sister's-nose-in-the-dirt-til-she-bleeds-and-cries bragging. And since then, it's been a constant war for the number one slot. (Example: Christmas '04. Mom subtly mentions a Kosher salt dish she saw at Williams-Sonoma. It was October. On the hush-hush, I spend the next 9 weeks making sure she doesn't find one on her own and then hunt down every possible W-S dish this side of the Mississippi. Why? Because, by god, the one who places it under the Christmas tree is DEFINITELY the favorite.) For a while, we were convinced that the winner would play to geography and the one who moved furthest away would become the fav by default on account of distance. But this week's voice mail from dear old mom has solidified the top spot forever.

Mom (driving the car with Caroline): "Honey, it's mom. I just wanted you to know that Caroline tried to trick me into saying she was the favorite, baby, but I didn't fall for it."
Caroline (from the passenger seat): "Uhhh, I can hear you, you know."
Mom: "Now that she's moved back to town she thinks she can just trick me, but I'm quicker than that."
Caroline: "Mom, what are you trying to do right now?! I can't believe you're saying this in front of me."
Mom: "Ok, I gotta go. She's getting pissy. Love you. You're my favorite."

((Fist pump!!)) I'm still the one. Forever #1. Keep up your game, baby sister. The old lady could use a new watch.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

The one in which we bid farewell to summer...

Thanks to Brooklyn's own @kev_oh via Blip.fm.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

"A statewide survey of adults found that 27 percent believe that 'a lot' of Alabama families are cutting the size of meals or are skipping mealtime altogether because of financial considerations."

This from the 3rd fattest state in the country, second fiddle only to Mississippi and West Virginia. 


Sincerely, 

Sally B.  

Basically, Troy and Gabriella (errr, Zanessa) make me believe in love. And Proactive.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Unlabor Day texting

Dad: Holiday?
Me: Booze. I like this game.
Dad: Lake?
Me: Booze. I could keep this up all day.


Sincerely,

Sally B.

Reason #7,412 I'm not having kids.

Internet. Privileges. Revoked.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

"Last night I ended up at a hip hop show yet again. This time I came on via the stage. Then came home and ordered a free sample of Kashi." 

- My favorite Blair, whose weeknight NYC antics never leave me bored.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Just a typical Thursday night.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Friend: I'm listening to Miley Cyrus.
Me: This is why I love you.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

We. Are. Faaaaammilyyyy!

My uncle is the one to blame for the childhood nickname, but it's his wife, my aunt, who's responsible for the ridiculous sayings and slogans that leave my mouth at least 20 times a day, therein making her responsible for the "what the eff is wrong with you" stank eye response I get from strangers and acquaintances. Here are some of my personal favorites (and by favorites I mean "that which I use repeatedly and without cause"):

• 'The red birds fly with the red birds and the blue birds fly with the blue birds." [This is generally reserved for conversations related to family members who dare attempt to marry outside their social class; however it can be used in any scenario when one dares to venture outside the norm. Note: In the South, I've learned that it can be, and often is, considered a derogatory/ racist remark.]
  

• "You look like Gus Dowdy." [We've no idea who Gus was. But there's no doubt in my mind that he typically left the house looking incredibly unkempt. Last used to reference my father when at Christmas he attempted to wear his "fishing pants" to dinner. FAIL.]
  

• "That lasted about as long as Pat was in the Army." [We can only assume Pat wasn't one for the service of his... or her... country.]
  

• "Somebody's been drinking Fisher's Beer." [VOMIT WARNING. I've never had Fisher's beer, nor will I ever, based on that which I have smelled and then heard described as smelling like Fisher's Beer. If rotten fruit and stale socks got together and made a baby, and that baby tried to leave the human body in gaseous form... you get the point.]
  

• "Something terrible has happened... I think I'm allergic to wine." [She said, glass in hand. Note: This is our family's attempt at sarcasm. We're a bunch of proud lushes.]
  

• "We haven't done that since Hector was a pup." [Similar to Pat's military experience. I'm confident that Hector hasn't been youthful in many moons... also, that he's not actually a canine.]
  

•  "[He's] the cat's meow." [Since when are cats cool?!? Since never.]

Happy Hump Day.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Word of the Day:

holus-bolus (adverb)

Meaning:

all at once

Example sentence:

"I wish I could lose this summer booze weight holus-bolus, instead of actually getting off my ass for a run 5 days a week."

It's a real word. Look it up.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Precautionary Measures

Everyone's freaking out about H1N1. FREAKING. Out. (I prefer to use the medical name, as I'm quite the fan of Piglet, Ms. Piggy, Wilbur and many other celebri-swines.) Hand washing, folks. It's not THAT hard. I've seen Outbreak no less than 64 times so I've decided to do my part in preventing widespread flu outbreak, because I'm a generous yet concerned citizen. [Marcel's not so cute now, eh Ross?] .

Me: i'm pretty annoyed that the stupid flu shots aren't ready yet.
Coworker: are you taking any interesting swine flu precautions? [She's completely serious.]
Me: hmmm. I've decided that I'll not be making out with strangers at *local bar* until at least December.
Coworker: ooh, good choice

Do your part, folks. It's best for the community.

P.S. To my coworker who INSISTS on over-preaching the use of antibacterial hand gel.... THAT SHIT KILLS ALL YOUR GOOD BACTERIA. Thanks anyway, though. Ass.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

To Kindergarten Kate

To the Wipeout contest dubbed "Kindergarten Kate,"

Sweet, sweet girl. I love that you're a participant this week. Wow. Big red balls are, like, my dream, too. I hope your parents are super proud cause the idea of watching good-hearted American educators leap from a foam platform onto a swinging pile of Cheerios does my heart good.

P.S. Cereal's a bitch on the complexion. But that milk should make your knees and toes, knees and toes, silky smooth come Monday morning.

Thanks for turning this whole thing around, Kate. I just might learn to love Japanese games shows.

Sincerely,

Sally B.