"Last night I ended up at a hip hop show yet again. This time I came on via the stage. Then came home and ordered a free sample of Kashi." 

- My favorite Blair, whose weeknight NYC antics never leave me bored.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Just a typical Thursday night.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Friend: I'm listening to Miley Cyrus.
Me: This is why I love you.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

We. Are. Faaaaammilyyyy!

My uncle is the one to blame for the childhood nickname, but it's his wife, my aunt, who's responsible for the ridiculous sayings and slogans that leave my mouth at least 20 times a day, therein making her responsible for the "what the eff is wrong with you" stank eye response I get from strangers and acquaintances. Here are some of my personal favorites (and by favorites I mean "that which I use repeatedly and without cause"):

• 'The red birds fly with the red birds and the blue birds fly with the blue birds." [This is generally reserved for conversations related to family members who dare attempt to marry outside their social class; however it can be used in any scenario when one dares to venture outside the norm. Note: In the South, I've learned that it can be, and often is, considered a derogatory/ racist remark.]
  

• "You look like Gus Dowdy." [We've no idea who Gus was. But there's no doubt in my mind that he typically left the house looking incredibly unkempt. Last used to reference my father when at Christmas he attempted to wear his "fishing pants" to dinner. FAIL.]
  

• "That lasted about as long as Pat was in the Army." [We can only assume Pat wasn't one for the service of his... or her... country.]
  

• "Somebody's been drinking Fisher's Beer." [VOMIT WARNING. I've never had Fisher's beer, nor will I ever, based on that which I have smelled and then heard described as smelling like Fisher's Beer. If rotten fruit and stale socks got together and made a baby, and that baby tried to leave the human body in gaseous form... you get the point.]
  

• "Something terrible has happened... I think I'm allergic to wine." [She said, glass in hand. Note: This is our family's attempt at sarcasm. We're a bunch of proud lushes.]
  

• "We haven't done that since Hector was a pup." [Similar to Pat's military experience. I'm confident that Hector hasn't been youthful in many moons... also, that he's not actually a canine.]
  

•  "[He's] the cat's meow." [Since when are cats cool?!? Since never.]

Happy Hump Day.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Word of the Day:

holus-bolus (adverb)

Meaning:

all at once

Example sentence:

"I wish I could lose this summer booze weight holus-bolus, instead of actually getting off my ass for a run 5 days a week."

It's a real word. Look it up.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

Precautionary Measures

Everyone's freaking out about H1N1. FREAKING. Out. (I prefer to use the medical name, as I'm quite the fan of Piglet, Ms. Piggy, Wilbur and many other celebri-swines.) Hand washing, folks. It's not THAT hard. I've seen Outbreak no less than 64 times so I've decided to do my part in preventing widespread flu outbreak, because I'm a generous yet concerned citizen. [Marcel's not so cute now, eh Ross?] .

Me: i'm pretty annoyed that the stupid flu shots aren't ready yet.
Coworker: are you taking any interesting swine flu precautions? [She's completely serious.]
Me: hmmm. I've decided that I'll not be making out with strangers at *local bar* until at least December.
Coworker: ooh, good choice

Do your part, folks. It's best for the community.

P.S. To my coworker who INSISTS on over-preaching the use of antibacterial hand gel.... THAT SHIT KILLS ALL YOUR GOOD BACTERIA. Thanks anyway, though. Ass.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

To Kindergarten Kate

To the Wipeout contest dubbed "Kindergarten Kate,"

Sweet, sweet girl. I love that you're a participant this week. Wow. Big red balls are, like, my dream, too. I hope your parents are super proud cause the idea of watching good-hearted American educators leap from a foam platform onto a swinging pile of Cheerios does my heart good.

P.S. Cereal's a bitch on the complexion. But that milk should make your knees and toes, knees and toes, silky smooth come Monday morning.

Thanks for turning this whole thing around, Kate. I just might learn to love Japanese games shows.

Sincerely,

Sally B.