Sep 16, 2009
Sep 15, 2009
Losersssssss
Every season I tell myself I won't watch it. It's like watching Titanic. You know what happens. The boat sinks. With The Biggest Loser, they eat nothing, workout all day and at the end they're all thin and somebody wins a bunch of money. But, inevitably I catch an episode mid-season and I'm sucked back in. After 8 seasons of The Biggest Loser, I've decided:
1. Big folks ain't afraid of tears. Hell, they love emotion. Legit, bring on the psychotherapyworkoutgymisodes.
2. Don't bother remembering anyone's name. Just get them a colored shirt.
3. Doctors know everything. EVERYTHING. Do not question them. Or you will die.
4. When a gay man swears, he is mad.
5. I don't like cheeseburgers. They're terrible. Dog shit. I just eat them because I'm self destructive. Who knew.
6. There is a test that can tell you your biological age based on weight, illness and risk factors. I'd like to see an episode where the doc tells someone who's 25 that their biological age is 136. Cause they'd believe him. (See number 3.)
7. When a trainer calls you their bitch, prepare for the worst.
8. My bathroom scale isn't big enough.
9. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than a last chance workout.
10. It is possible to survive on celery, water, carrots and lettuce.
I'm gonna go make a milkshake and eat a brownie. You fatties have a great night.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
1. Big folks ain't afraid of tears. Hell, they love emotion. Legit, bring on the psychotherapyworkoutgymisodes.
2. Don't bother remembering anyone's name. Just get them a colored shirt.
3. Doctors know everything. EVERYTHING. Do not question them. Or you will die.
4. When a gay man swears, he is mad.
5. I don't like cheeseburgers. They're terrible. Dog shit. I just eat them because I'm self destructive. Who knew.
6. There is a test that can tell you your biological age based on weight, illness and risk factors. I'd like to see an episode where the doc tells someone who's 25 that their biological age is 136. Cause they'd believe him. (See number 3.)
7. When a trainer calls you their bitch, prepare for the worst.
8. My bathroom scale isn't big enough.
9. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than a last chance workout.
10. It is possible to survive on celery, water, carrots and lettuce.
I'm gonna go make a milkshake and eat a brownie. You fatties have a great night.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Does he want a date or a street fight?
If a guy left me this message, he'd catch a first-class junk punch.
This is probably the dude who kidnaps women and hides them in his back yard.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Sep 14, 2009
South of the Border
To the nation of Mexico on the quality of your workers,
Here's the thing. I respect that your people love to cross the border just as they're giving birth to illegitimate children. Welcome to America. However, I do not appreciate it when I am blatantly ignored at the request of a water refill. Also, it is not entirely strange to order fries in a Mexican restaurant. I happen to have a sensitive gastrointestinal system that does not respond well to enchiladas or beans. I do find it strange that the 17 catsup packages you gave me were coated in a honey-like substance.
In addition, I'd appreciate it if you could check my identifcation card more often. Not because I enjoy the rush of youth (I do) but because I'd prefer to not be served another virgin margarita. It's not really beneficial to my evening.
Thanksabunchyouassholes.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
P.S. To the beautiful man I took a picture of with my Blackberry from across the bar: Sorry I referenced your girlfriend as a Nikki Hilton look-alike plus 30 lbs.
P.P.S. I apologize for my young blonde friend, she is excessively angry over the theft of her jeans and use of her loofa by a roommate.
Here's the thing. I respect that your people love to cross the border just as they're giving birth to illegitimate children. Welcome to America. However, I do not appreciate it when I am blatantly ignored at the request of a water refill. Also, it is not entirely strange to order fries in a Mexican restaurant. I happen to have a sensitive gastrointestinal system that does not respond well to enchiladas or beans. I do find it strange that the 17 catsup packages you gave me were coated in a honey-like substance.
In addition, I'd appreciate it if you could check my identifcation card more often. Not because I enjoy the rush of youth (I do) but because I'd prefer to not be served another virgin margarita. It's not really beneficial to my evening.
Thanksabunchyouassholes.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
P.S. To the beautiful man I took a picture of with my Blackberry from across the bar: Sorry I referenced your girlfriend as a Nikki Hilton look-alike plus 30 lbs.
P.P.S. I apologize for my young blonde friend, she is excessively angry over the theft of her jeans and use of her loofa by a roommate.
Sep 13, 2009
Phone calls with "the baby" sister.
Me: I started a blog.
The baby: You're a douche bag.
Me: Shut up. Just go to the site.
The baby: No, you're a fag.
Me: How old are you gonna be when you stop saying "douche bag" and "fag"?
The baby: Not 21.
Me: I hate you.
God love her. She keeps me young. And spiteful.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
The baby: You're a douche bag.
Me: Shut up. Just go to the site.
The baby: No, you're a fag.
Me: How old are you gonna be when you stop saying "douche bag" and "fag"?
The baby: Not 21.
Me: I hate you.
God love her. She keeps me young. And spiteful.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Sep 10, 2009
Emails from Dad
"Did see a funny site yesterday while at the dam fishing... looked up, and driving across the dam in *neighborhood*, I see a gaudy van (black and yellow) with STOPSNORING.com all over it... obviously not a resident here, and funny looking coming in here... nothing subtle about it. And where in the heck did it come from? A STOPSNORING franchise in *town* will not make it. I mean they came a long way. Must be a snoring crisis here. H1Snore1."
It's hysterical that we share genetic material.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Sick joke.
I got an allergy test this week. FML.
Nurse: Well, it looks like you've got a few responses here.
Me: So, does that mean he [meaning the doc] will give me something to take?
Nurse: We have a lot of patients who decide to take allergy shots for convenience.
Me: I'm not afraid of needles. My baby sister passes out at the sight of them. Not me. Great veins. Check that out. [Showing her my arm.]
Nurse: We can set them up for you, if you'd like to commit to taking them once a week for 3-5 years. That's about how long it takes to get used to the bits of the allergens we place in the shot.
Me: 3-5 YEARS?!?! You said convenient! [It was about here that I went into panic attack mode.] I'm not one of those people with a 5 year plan for anything. I mean, I should probably sit down and write out some long term goals for myself, you know? I'd love to see Italy. I've always hoped I could get in with a publishing house. Be a book editor. I'd probably have to move to Chicago or New York, but I can take it. I like winter. Maybe date a food critic... cause they know the best restaurants.
Nurse: Well, some of the molds you're allergic to can be found in food and beverages... beer, wine, a lot of cheeses, condiments...
Me: Beer?!?! Wine?!?! CHEESE?!?! This is a sick joke... I might die. At the very least I might cry.
Nurse: [awkward chuckles] The good news is that these allergies won't kill you.
Me: That's what you think... You're a pretty good listener, actually.
Nurse: Thanks. Let me get you some information on our mold headache diet....
Some effing Wednesday!
I just had fries for lunch. NOT on the diet.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Nurse: Well, it looks like you've got a few responses here.
Me: So, does that mean he [meaning the doc] will give me something to take?
Nurse: We have a lot of patients who decide to take allergy shots for convenience.
Me: I'm not afraid of needles. My baby sister passes out at the sight of them. Not me. Great veins. Check that out. [Showing her my arm.]
Nurse: We can set them up for you, if you'd like to commit to taking them once a week for 3-5 years. That's about how long it takes to get used to the bits of the allergens we place in the shot.
Me: 3-5 YEARS?!?! You said convenient! [It was about here that I went into panic attack mode.] I'm not one of those people with a 5 year plan for anything. I mean, I should probably sit down and write out some long term goals for myself, you know? I'd love to see Italy. I've always hoped I could get in with a publishing house. Be a book editor. I'd probably have to move to Chicago or New York, but I can take it. I like winter. Maybe date a food critic... cause they know the best restaurants.
Nurse: Well, some of the molds you're allergic to can be found in food and beverages... beer, wine, a lot of cheeses, condiments...
Me: Beer?!?! Wine?!?! CHEESE?!?! This is a sick joke... I might die. At the very least I might cry.
Nurse: [awkward chuckles] The good news is that these allergies won't kill you.
Me: That's what you think... You're a pretty good listener, actually.
Nurse: Thanks. Let me get you some information on our mold headache diet....
Some effing Wednesday!
I just had fries for lunch. NOT on the diet.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
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